Set backs.

Recovery from an eating disorder is not linear. The road to recovery is bumpy and scary and long. 

This past weekend I had my first real bump and I was not prepared. 

It all started with a physical for a life insurance policy. I had to have some blood work and respond to some basic health questions at a local lab. I didn’t give it much thought. The phlebotomist was so nice and we chatted about the beautiful fall weather that day. Then she pulled down the scale that had been resting against the wall in the small space. I felt my chest tighten. Crap! 

Outside of treatment, I had not stepped on a scale in months. At the treatment center, they cleverly hide the number on the scale to avoid sending patients into a psychological tailspin. To many people with an eating disorder, that number defines self worth. Small or large, that number has a lot of unwarranted power.  And by some miracle or spiritual intervention, during treatment, my home scale broke. It may have just needed new batteries but I took it as a sign to listen to my treatment team and forget the scale. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, my obsession with weighing myself had prevented me from being happy.  I didn’t deserve to be happy when the number on the scale was not where I thought it should be. And I lived that way for wayyyyyy too long. 

As I stepped on the scale in the tiny lab room, I looked down at the number. I should have looked away or walked on backwards or something. I wasn’t prepared. The number was bigger than I wanted it to be or felt it should be. My mind was right back where I started before treatment. “What a loser.” “Pathetic.” My hateful and destructive ED was back. 

I walked out of the lab feeling defeated.  I was sad and tried so hard to fall back on the skills I learned in treatment. It helped a little but ED was getting louder and louder. “You better not eat.” “You better work off that meal in the gym tonight.” “Worthless.”   I had a nice dinner with family that evening but knew I was not in the right mindset. I was not eating as mindfully as I had in the past since treatment. I was more careless, and definitely not in control.  

The next day I planned to workout virtually with a friend. My plan was interrupted and my day was thrown another curve ball. Some additional stressors throughout the day caused me to lose focus of my meal plan. Anxiety was high and I was not in control. ED was louder and more prevalent in my thoughts. My mood had dipped. I slept for 12 hours. I chalked it up to “I must have needed it after my long week.” I still didn’t realize ED was doing this. I journaled and started writing my thoughts about the day and the scale from the day before. I was angry that my mood and energy was so low but didn’t realize it was ED creeping back in. 

Sunday, I had uncontrollable “hunger”. I ate and ate and ate without ever feeling full. I was confused and sad. Then a light bulb went off in my head.  It was my BED. My BED was back. But it still didn’t stop me, which made me even more sad and lonely. “Why can’t I stop? I know this is my BED so why can’t I stop?” It was so frustrating. 

Finally, after I was completely uncomfortable that night, I journaled again. I connected all the dots from the scale, the stressors Saturday, the break from the meal plan.  My recovery from BED was fragile. 

I woke up Monday and talked to my husband. God, I am so lucky. I confessed my sins from the weekend to my husband and he was so supportive. He listened and held me as I cried. All I ever wanted is support. I felt so safe and free, like I did in treatment. The shame and guilt of my BED would not repeat. The cycle was over. 

I started my day back on track, my road to recovery was back in alignment. 

I never thought recovery would be easy, but I certainly did not suspect that I would fall so hard, so quickly, over something as routine as a physical. Now, I don’t believe this was a set back as I originally thought. It was a learning opportunity. A moment to pause and remember how far I have come.  A reminder to take care of my self. I also learned to be more aware of my recovery and to develop skills for dealing with the scale. I was reminded that I can trust my partner and that he has my back no matter what. I was reminded to trust myself. So, definitely not a setback. Just a small bump on my road to recovery.