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About Me

Welcome to my personal blog!

My name is Kat, and I have an eating disorder. I never thought I would say that. I never thought I fit into that category. I never knew my problem was a mental illness. I am just a “fat girl.” I “have no willpower.” I “could afford to skip a few meals.” But never thought my problem was an eating disorder.

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. As a teen, I always felt bigger than all the other girls my age. I dieted often. I lost weight and gained it all back – and then some. I believed all the things they say about fat people. I believed I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t worthy of taking up space. I apologized for everything, even my existence. But I never knew what I was battling was disordered eating. I studied health and wellness. I followed every ‘health’ nut on on Instagram. I tried every diet. I eliminated sugar, fat, processed foods, wheats, whites, everything. I became so afraid of food that when I ate anything that wasn’t green or grass fed, I felt shame, and ultimately led to binge eating.

‘Bad’ foods destroyed me. Not because they made me fat, but because they became the forbidden ‘fruit.’ I’d eat a whole box of oatmeal creme pies in one sitting just to “get them out of the house.” I wouldn’t even enjoy them and would feel sick after, but I had to get rid of them. It was bad. I was bad. Same with ice cream. Eat it all so it’s gone. I lost all sense of hunger or fullness. Although I don’t know if I ever understood hunger cues. I mistook anxiety for hunger. Food soothed my anxiety. Through my recovery, I have learned that anxiety, along with depression, are often the root causes of eating disorders. I have learned that my eating disorder masked my anxiety. Or my anxiety masked my eating disorder. I am still not sure who was in charge – the anxiety of my eating disorder. When I would feel anxious, I ran to food – or alcohol, but that is a story for another day. For as long as I can remember, I have mistaken anxiety, for hunger. All those nerves and uneasiness were not hunger, but ways to soothe my anxiety. Nothing cures anxiety like stuffing your face with a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream.

But I’m taking charge now. For the first time in my life, I’m taking control. I am not a doctor, a therapist, or dietitian. I am not certified in anything. I’m just a woman trying to learn her way in this world. Where I fit. Follow me as I learn to get out of my bed.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson